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Monday, February 04, 2002

This is a variation on something that has circulated before but it remains a howler, and is fun to creatively (?) supplement (see below): (Forwarded by Crosby IT guru Greg Holmes): Dear Tech Support: Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the performance of the flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under the Boyfriend 5.0 system. In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 7.4, NBA 3.2 and NHL 4.1. Conversation 8.0 also no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do? Signed, Desperate. Dear Desperate, First, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 was an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command: C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilt 3.3 and Flowers 7.5. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to such background applications as Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please remember that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoring Loudly.WAV files. DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. It could also potentially cause Husband 1.0 to default to the program: Girlfriend 9.2, which runs in the background and has been known to introduce potentially serious viruses into the Operating System. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and can't learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to enhance his system performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Single Malt Scotch 4.5 combined with such applications as TummyTuck 3.6D and that old stand-by . . . Lingerie 6.9 (which have both been credited with improved performance of his hardware). Good Luck, Tech Support (From me back to Greg): Thank you for your query to the Husband 1.0 Knowledge Base. We consider Out With The Boys 2.2 to be an acceptable work-around for these issues but only if used sparingly, as this application poses a virus risk similar to any of the commercial releases of Girlfriend. Along these lines, if you have not already done so please visit the Husband 1.0 Update page immediately and download the Critical Updates package. This security patch addresses a vulnerability in Husband 1.0 which may permit a malicious hacker to install and run the beta application Girlfriend OS X from a remote location. While Girlfriend OS X has received unprecedented positive feedback as to usability, the resulting denial of service attacks can be devastating.

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